My Top 5 Songs

I did not write anything last month because I did not care to.  So strange - as if I am writing FOR someone.  Really, this who thing, aside from my deep love of music, is therapeutic for me.  As if just writing out my feelings would help. I don't know if I've been helped.  All I can say is I am still thrilled that I am out of graduate school, almost for a year now.  As usual, the seasonal affective disorder (my diagnosis) hit this last winter, making me  miserable and glum on a daily basis. I have been working out, having lost weight, and feeling good mentally as well as physically. I have a second job a few hours a week to keep me busy and keep my mind off of deep introspection that usually results in suicidal fantasies.   I haven't pursued anonymous sex like last year.  I don't know if the drive is gone since I'm a year older, or if it has more to do with my crazy mind. I have branched out a little to get involved in various things,...

OK, I am late this month.  My motivation took a dive.  I have been hampered with a partially torn bicep, and a cold that isn't really a cold anymore more than just a disgusting, steady stream of nasal drip from the inside of my fat head into my throat. On that note, I continue.  First let me say formatting this stupid blog is a disaster.  Why other fonts become current just after starting a new paragraph is beyond me.  I understand hidden, non-visible coding that may exist, like it does in Word, but I swear I correct that by deleting blank lines...only to have these return. It's a new year.  The charts are slow moving, stagnant, and non-inspiring.  That may change as a slew of new songs makes their way into my youtube favorites. But it may not matter... ...I think I am heading to the end here.  I am just fed up, but as always, I am not sure what I am fed up WITH. I have working arms, legs, a safe living environment. I am not in poverty, and...

Well, this month, I am on time, for once.  (warning - there may be objectionable language below)... Christmas just sucks. I can't stand a sibling of mine, who just wrecks the joy with his pompous attitude. We are middle aged, mind you - but he has been this way his whole life. Can you imagine being yelled at by someone who is irritated at something you said, that they do not agree with? If this were the way he was, fine...but it's NOT - he is just like that to his family, but probably very nice to everyone else.  I guess he is really a total pussy. What - is this guy in elementary school?  Because that is what he sounds like - and everyone let's him get away with it.  It's basically bullying - and it's disarming, and embarrassing.  I want to tell him to fuck off, and that he is a ridiculous asshole who acts this way because he feels we are all weaker than he, but can't be this way towards others.   I really hate people like this - I mean, you know so...

Well, another repeat:  late post this month...school was murder in the final weeks of the term...but got an A anyway, although I feel like I did not learn really THAT much as I should for fucking graduate school....sheesh.....feeling up and down - depressed, then happy, then depressed. What is the point of this stupid blog?!?!??!  What is the point of even going on, I am beginning to wonder.  I am truly alone and no one cares if a white guy over 35 lives, dies, or what he things about anything. Here is my Top 5 for this month.  Not a lot of movement, as my life has not centered that much on music lately.  I have a month until the next, and final semester starts - I am hoping to brush up on my deteriorated music skills, as well as get in some exercise, and other pursuits. That is all - my head hurts, my neck hurts, and I do not fear death. DECEMBER 2015 1.  "Wildfire", by Borgeous 1, 1, 5 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmZI7xFisHA ...

I kept putting this off...it's another thing on the schedule.  MORE time at the computer.  I need a break - I need frivolty: watching movies, driving around for the helluvit, getting a pizza at midnight.... I am just so busy, as usual. A cousin got married recently.  It was nice to see family from other states and provinces, for the first time in years.  I always feel dull, and that no one really wants to talk to me that much. Little do they know how interesting I am - I just am not the conventional citizen as they are.  They are mostly all nice people, but just...typical.  I just do not feel I am typical.  My dreams are for music and acting....honestly, they are. Here is this month's Top 5.  Mastodon just kicks ass, what more can be said.  There is weakness among the big hits, though, now that I can devote more time to my saved playlist of current favorites. I missed Jane's Addiction, by the way.  I was not feeling well, and ...

I never was a summer time person.  I just never went to beaches, pools, etc.  I always thought people should not be so revealing, too, just because most were ugly.  The last summer that changed a bit.  And this summer, too.  I have been riding my bike for exercise in areas of the city I NEVER thought I would venture (on a bike).  It's an amazing feeling of liberty and mobility, free of charge, and without creating pollution.  And, this year, I actually have been wearing tank tops. I always thought I would look ridiculous in them because in my perspective, I had scrawny arms.  Well, I realized they aren't scrawny at all. Not that I'm a narcissist, but they are muscular enough not to look dorky in a tank top. This sounds ridiculous, but someone would have to understand the feeling of freedom this brings - to feel the wind and sun on areas of the body that hardly ever have had those feelings. To me, its a great feeling....of comfort, and in a way...

This month's post is VERY late.  I had to move more suddenly than I anticipated.  The predictable lack of inaccessibility to the internet took hold, and a couple of weeks slipped by, and there you have it - a late Top 5 installment for my hordes of hungry readers... ... Haha!  What readers!?! Well, summer rolls on. I am enjoying it, but always, as usual, sad about...something, whatever it may be. First things first:  the reason I moved.  On a Sunday night in late June, I heard strange noises in my ceiling. In most areas of the previous apartment, the ceiling was a 'drop' ceiling, built of suspended tiles. I heard something weird in the bathroom - and there I saw a ceiling tile partially removed from the framing. I pushed it back up, then heard a small squealing.  "It's a dog outside", I tried to convince myself. So these unusual sounds continued, and I followed them to a nearby area, where another tile was not fully closed (this was/is an old apar...