My Top 5 Songs

Happy November.  As usual, I am up and down with my mood and attitude. I welcome death. I am loving life. I want to be happy. Leave me the f* alone because I want to be alone...permanently. It's this way. It will always be this way. I want to cry - I am crazy, yet not crazy. Maybe I have some form of adult autism, the way Jerry Seinfeld recently described himself in an interview I saw on NBC news. The song by Monica Richards finally broke through, after being on my playlist for so long.  It's had stiff competition.  It's an amazing song. It sort of reminds me of Peter Murphy's later 80s song "Cuts You Up".  So beautiful, but so sad.  It almost makes me cry - no, I'm actually slightly crying now. So much angst and anxiety. Anyway, I suppose this will be the last I ever hear of Monica Richards. It's just one of those things.  Great song, though - absolutely beautiful. Huh, I barely even remember "Last Train Home" by Lost Proph...

A new year. I won't wax philosophic - I'm not good at that, exactly. You know, opining with clever sentences and saying something enticing of a chuckle or two, while warming your heart in nervous anticipation of another year...I will spare myself the attempt at that. I will say this: I tried to wipe the proverbial slate clean. No more self-guessing. No more apologizing for stupid stuff that doesn't require an apology. Grab life. Face challenges. Stop being afraid of things getting hard or more difficult.  Just do it, dammit!  Accept the days when I feel miserable, or when I don't feel happy, and just deal with it...then move on. Oh, the insanity that is me. I'm so busy with acting opportunities coming up - trying to learn an English accents, practicing monologues, and trying to drop a few pounds to just look a bit healthier. Work is starting to suck, though. I have to amp up my effort. Well, the very cool "Running Backwards" by Geoff Tate's Que...

Contentment of November turns to complacency.  I am not motivated to do much except keep up with my class. I just can't adapt to middle age. I don't feel I'm in 'my place'. I had NEVER felt that way - never comfortable in my own skin. Frankly I am sick of 'hearing' myself as I type this shit for what now?  The last two years or so?  There is little point, it seems, to continue this way.  Hey, I am not ungrateful for what I have - running water, indoor plumbing, a roof over my head, knowing I (probably) won't get shot by a sniper like some poor person in Syria or something. Yes, I am fully aware of the torment a lot of people go through daily just to stay alive, let alone be happy. But it's hard to explain how overwhelming frustration and sadness are. Music.....Geoff Tate's Queensryche hits the top spot!  Pretty good album. The haters (and Tate has a lot on youtube!) can hate - its a great song, it really is. I think the guitar solo was done...

Late again.  November is a weird month for me for various reasons too boring to state. I love it, though.  It is the advent of the holiday seasons.  If I'm in school (which is most of my life, it seems), I can see the light at the end of the semester tunnel. Things are going so well that I can't help but think of ways to sabotage everything.  No, really, I think of cutting myself off from some friends.  Abruptly quitting my job.  I mean, ANYTHING, even suicide, anything that will hurt someone and make them feel bad.  A part of me would enjoy that, even though the 'whole' of me would not. Weird, I know.  It's like I can't just enjoy being....happy.  Content.  Comfortable in a success that I have created for myself. I need despair, conflict, sadnesss....This is just honesty here. I realize this problem.  I do not know why I HAVE this problem, though, nor how to let it go. I have a suspicion, though.  One reason my mind wo...