My Top 5 Songs

I am at a strange peace.  I went to church tonight, and as usual, my mind strayed for most of it.  Sorry, but I have some kind of adult deficit disorder thing.  At least I went.  I do take spirituality seriously.  I can honestly say I have my doubts ANYTHING about it is true, but at the same time, my mind finds justification about the existence of God.  Hmmm...nah, will delve into it in a future posting, maybe. Well, I took a scalding hot shower after re-reading my previous month's post.  Yes, with clear conscious I was involved in meaningless encounters, but I wince when I read what sounds like gloating about it.  I probably will never have a long lasting, deep relationship.  I think I've known this for over 2 decades. I just can't do it - I am damaged in a way and that is why marriage will never happen, I guess. But that in no way means a life is mis-used. You can still touch people deeply (I am restraining to make a frat boy comment he...

Happy November.  As usual, I am up and down with my mood and attitude. I welcome death. I am loving life. I want to be happy. Leave me the f* alone because I want to be alone...permanently. It's this way. It will always be this way. I want to cry - I am crazy, yet not crazy. Maybe I have some form of adult autism, the way Jerry Seinfeld recently described himself in an interview I saw on NBC news. The song by Monica Richards finally broke through, after being on my playlist for so long.  It's had stiff competition.  It's an amazing song. It sort of reminds me of Peter Murphy's later 80s song "Cuts You Up".  So beautiful, but so sad.  It almost makes me cry - no, I'm actually slightly crying now. So much angst and anxiety. Anyway, I suppose this will be the last I ever hear of Monica Richards. It's just one of those things.  Great song, though - absolutely beautiful. Huh, I barely even remember "Last Train Home" by Lost Proph...

I had such a good summer last year. I can't bear to read my pathetic posts from the summer months of 2013, but I do remember getting a lot of bike riding in, if nothing else. I did not have a class (I will this summer, and the next), so I was rather carefree.  My personal issues were still there, though - no real friendships, lonliness, confusion about other things..... So thus far, I have enjoyed the good weather and managed to get out to the amusement park (a rarity for me).  I am continually frustrated that the person I love (I think) does not wish me to visit. Its about an hour + 10 minute drive.  Again and again, I am denied.  I haven't seen this person in TWO YEARS!  The whole thing is...complicated.  I just can't let go - I feel this person should be a part of my life, although it's been one big headache for the last 4 years - when we met. I did get the "B" I needed.  My next class is another bull sh--requirement - Communication or some crap...

Very hate this month...next week another installment of the Top 5 Songs will be due!  Its OK, its fun for a couple reasons - I am REALLY, REALLY enjoying "The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here". As you can see, AIC has TWO songs now and they may go 3 for 5 by this time next week! It's a very enjoyable album.  Like I mentioned before, upon first listen, I was not moved in any way, shape or form! This year is going along OK.  My mental healing continues. I have a bout of depression now and then, and they have gotten a bit worse, but I attribute it to stress, and the winter.  I have been very busy with school (this current class sucks), and pursing acting opportunities.  Since January, I have auditioned for at least 4 things, which includes some theater companies. And...so far I'm shut out. It's frustrating. I'm a decent actor, but I think its my 'look', first and foremost. I don't really have a 'look', so people don't know what to do with me...