My Top 5 Songs

I did not write anything last month because I did not care to.  So strange - as if I am writing FOR someone.  Really, this who thing, aside from my deep love of music, is therapeutic for me.  As if just writing out my feelings would help. I don't know if I've been helped.  All I can say is I am still thrilled that I am out of graduate school, almost for a year now.  As usual, the seasonal affective disorder (my diagnosis) hit this last winter, making me  miserable and glum on a daily basis. I have been working out, having lost weight, and feeling good mentally as well as physically. I have a second job a few hours a week to keep me busy and keep my mind off of deep introspection that usually results in suicidal fantasies.   I haven't pursued anonymous sex like last year.  I don't know if the drive is gone since I'm a year older, or if it has more to do with my crazy mind. I have branched out a little to get involved in various things,...

I'm very late this month.  I have been very busy trying to hustle acting gigs, and getting music together, as well as tending to family engagements (Labor Day, birthday parties, weddings, etc., etc., etc.). I don't have much to say, except I think my life is meant to be sabotaged by people's misery.  I always find myself dragged down into the pits of despair of those I love. I see it as doing my duty out of love and loyalty.   Here's the thing - none of them ever support my in my endeavors to enrich my life, enjoy my life, try different things, and so forth - all to try to make contentment if not happiness IN this life.  Hardly one word of encouragement....just blank stares...as if they might be thinking "oh look at you, mr. show off", or "im glad you are happy and it's too bad i cant be happy, too", or "wait - you try things outside your comfort zone of depression and isolation...i dont even know you anymore!!!" I listen to the glo...