JANUARY 2017
OK, I am late this month. My motivation took a dive. I have been hampered with a partially torn bicep, and a cold that isn't really a cold anymore more than just a disgusting, steady stream of nasal drip from the inside of my fat head into my throat.
On that note, I continue. First let me say formatting this stupid blog is a disaster. Why other fonts become current just after starting a new paragraph is beyond me. I understand hidden, non-visible coding that may exist, like it does in Word, but I swear I correct that by deleting blank lines...only to have these return.
It's a new year. The charts are slow moving, stagnant, and non-inspiring. That may change as a slew of new songs makes their way into my youtube favorites. But it may not matter...
...I think I am heading to the end here. I am just fed up, but as always, I am not sure what I am fed up WITH. I have working arms, legs, a safe living environment. I am not in poverty, and haven't been for years now. I have so much to be thankful for.
Yet I am miserable. I am frustrated with being lonely, yet thrive on being alone. There is much more - my over-analytical mind that drives me batty, my reluctance to take a side at anything, always seeing two sides to everything. After decades of life, I sometimes do not know "who I am". Does that make sense at all?
I am just invalid, I don't count, what I say is not important. I am not talented in any one thing, making myself just not that vital to any goings on on this planet. I think it's time to consider moving on. It pains me to think about it, and it is scary, but I just can't do it anymore. No, that's not it - it's better stated how I read from a posting in an online forum. Someone said, paraphrasing, "it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live anymore". Yep. That's it, to a tee.
To make things worse, I heard a song from the Deftone's 2016 album, "Gore". The song, which I love, is "Phantom Bride" (and it features the great, super, awesome Jerry Cantrell!). The song is beautifully morose and sad...that, plus the lyrics hit me damn hard. They ARE me. So this week, I've been minorly obsessed with the song, since the lyrics are "WHO I AM". It's finally been defined somewhat.
It made me sad. I am still sad. I am middle aged, and a loser basket case. I put on such a front. Let me tell you this - I actually have a bully at work. It's a female, who just mocks what I say, and is very snotty when I need to talk to her about work stuff. I don't know what the fuck her problem is. Why do I get this treatment and no one else does? I think she's a fucking cunt, but I am professional to her, as I am to everyone, because I do not bring my childish feelings into work to make it difficult for her (as others there seem to do. I really fucking hate people in office - spoiled, pampered babies). Anyway, so how does one deal with this person, who is above me on the hierarchy? It's just ridiculous, and I can't say anything about it without getting angry, and I would rather not let people know I think she's a total twat head bitch.
So there, on top of my personal demons, I am treated like less than an adult at work by this person. I don't have close friends. I love and care deeply for my family, but they are maddening sometimes with their pessimism, and their own neuroses.
I have never had strength to learn from in my life. No rock, no shoulder to lean on.
Well, I am THINKING about it. I feel DONE, kaput, with no energy to muster hope for a good year of happiness, contentment of living...
I remember well "Free", by Dark New Day. Great song. The Chainsmokers are at the current #1 position. NO MASTODON for the first time since March 2015 - almost two years. They are working on a new album for this year, too.
I have been interested in listening to albums of yesteryear that I never got around to hearing. Today I listened to the Rolling Stones' "Let it Bleed". I did not like it much - it's very bluesy. I recently heard "Gore" by the Deftones - not a fan. I will get around to more Stones, other Deftones stuff, and then take a listen to some of the Brian Eno produced David Bowie. Also, 80s (and beyond) metal band Accept has a new album I really want to hear.
But there is stuff to come for 2017 - like I said, Mastodon, Blondie...shoot, now I find a willingness to remain alive. It will only be dashed again, probably.
I am just sick of myself at this point, I don't want to type anymore drivel.
JANUARY 2017
1. "Don't Let Me Down", by Chainsmokers featuring Daya 2, 1, 3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io0fBr1XBUA
2. "Also Am I", by 36 Crazyfists 1, 1, 6
3. "Mountain at My Gates", by Foals -, 3, 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_EIE5f2t6M
4. "Shock Me", by Baroness 3, 1, 8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS5osAdTnm0
5. "Joyride", by Chevelle 5, 5, 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=710aT-Uj_7chttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS5osAdTnm0
5. "Joyride", by Chevelle 5, 5, 2
JANUARY 2016
1. "Vanishing Man", by The Church 4, 1, 3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul13hip5LOM
2. "Wildfire", by Borgeous 1, 1, 6
3. "Come a Little Closer", by Cage the Elephant 5, 3, 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYup3Qwh8Q
4. "Halloween", by Mastodon 3, 3, 6
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syLkrvUko7Q
5. "Take Out the Gunman", by Chevelle 2, 2, 5
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0fCzvAdR3
JANUARY 2007
1. "Animal that I Have Become", by Three Days Grace2. "Free", by Dark New Day
3. "Lotus Flower", by Tearwave
4 "Is it Any Wonder", by Keane
5. "Through Glass", by Stone Sour
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