My Top 5 Songs

Late this month....this should be the last month that I slack like this... BECAUSE I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL.....forever! I am now equipped with a Master's Degree in a particular sub-area of Civil Engineering, so I guess in a way, I am a "somebody", even though I do not have my professional license. I don't want to THINK about advancing the career, possibly for a better paying job or something like that.  I just am tired of starting again....like the song "Best of You" by the Foo Fighters says. It's OK - the current status quo isn't bad.   By the end of the year, I will think about possibly looking for a better job, and studying up on things to maybe take the PE exam in 2017 or 2018.   But for now, I just want to relax, enjoy some things, possibly try to build some semblance of a social life...maybe get laid some time, which would be great.  Last winter, I actually did get some action.  I hated the idea of an online type of hookup thing - but ...

Late again this month.  Was just tied up with this nightmare class. It finished, but I have to complete some work to get a grade.   So my freedom is delayed for a bit. I am looking forward to it, but not really.  I am strangely depressed, and can't stand most people around me. Mastodon with another #1, way more than a year since I first got that album.  Borgeous is still hanging on for the tenth week!  The Church bows out of the top spot, but what a run for that song.   I love all these songs, and I love charting them for the future.  Wow - ten years ago was 2006.  A decade seems like...a couple years ago. MAY 2016 1.  "Tread Lightly", by Mastodon 2,1, 4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ja8cXdo5fA 2. "Cirice", by Ghost -, 2, 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0Ao4t_fe0I 3.  "Vanishing Man", by The Church 1, 1, 7 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ul13hip5LOM 4.  "Sick Like Me", by In This Moment, 4, 4, 3 https...

A couple weeks late for March, 2015.  I can't believe I made it to 2015.  I had always thought I would die, either of a heart attack, as a victim of a random shooting, or by my own hand. My mind has ebbed back to the gloom of yesteryear.  I can't believe it, but it's true - I am fatalistic again - always fantasizing about dying in dramatic fashion, like rescuing someone while falling to death myself. I am just....damaged.  I will always feel weird, wired, self-loathsome, and immature.   There, I said it - my values are immature. They are in the gutter. I still harbor resentment from decades ago. Tonight I ripped up all my high school yearbooks.  I graduated THIRTY years ago this coming spring.  For THREE DECADES I carried them around with me, from place to place.  So tonight, in trying to keep with my spirit of being organized and not holding on to junk, I found them in  a box - top shelf of a closet.   I took them to the floor, w...

I feel old. And, anachronistic. I just am so full of anxiety as I feel so out of place, anywhere. But I've always felt like that, ever since I can remember. I live like I'm in my 20s, in a way. I think the silliest things are funny. Any (few) 'friends' I DO have are in their 20s. I just can't get a grip on who I am, what I want to do with my life, where I'm going, and everything else. I'm a middle aged nothing loser...I just can't cope anymore with anxiety, depression, and stress. What makes me happy? Music does, I guess. My acting might, although the opportunities have dried up, and I've actually gotten to be a worse actor, because of my nervousness and self-consciousness. Yea - I mean, I was getting better, had impressed a few people, but then the last 3 auditions sucked lemons. I got into acting to get OVER this shit, and ive slid backwards into the pit of low-esteem. I dont want to see summer 2012. I dont want to be around by that time. I just ...