MARCH 2015


A couple weeks late for March, 2015.  I can't believe I made it to 2015.  I had always thought I would die, either of a heart attack, as a victim of a random shooting, or by my own hand.

My mind has ebbed back to the gloom of yesteryear.  I can't believe it, but it's true - I am fatalistic again - always fantasizing about dying in dramatic fashion, like rescuing someone while falling to death myself.

I am just....damaged.  I will always feel weird, wired, self-loathsome, and immature.   There, I said it - my values are immature. They are in the gutter. I still harbor resentment from decades ago.

Tonight I ripped up all my high school yearbooks.  I graduated THIRTY years ago this coming spring.  For THREE DECADES I carried them around with me, from place to place.  So tonight, in trying to keep with my spirit of being organized and not holding on to junk, I found them in  a box - top shelf of a closet.   I took them to the floor, where I sat cross-legged and stared at them. I COULDN'T just toss them!

But then, I realized - its OK to admit failure. I admit I was a loser in high school - no friends, ugly, awkward, socially inept...Was my holding on to these some gesture of trying to wait until the few good memories of high school dominate and make the experience, in my memory, a positive one?

It would never happen. High school was hell for me. I was depressed, confused, angst-ridden, uncomfortable in my own skin....

Like I am, now, in 2015...thirty years later.  I just don't know what I've done in this life that is worthwhile.  I don't know WHAT to do.    I will be alone forever.  And when I am with nice people, like for an acting gig, or in an improv class...I can't go beyond class to make friendships. I freak at the social aspect of it (like going out after class).  I do - I freak, because I know spending too much time with people will reveal myself as weird, unlike-able, boring, and unfunny.

I think 2015 has to be it.  It's ridiculous. I just don't want to see  another year of my awful life.  But nothing will happen - hurting my mom is the last thing I could ever do.

So I am in this private hell.

Mastadon - a band I wouldn't have though twice about last December - makes their entry at #2.  I love their 2014 album, "Once More 'Round the Sun".

The mix of Tove Lo's song is still tops - it's never tiring.  Very cool.

And Coldplay's song has been saved to a youtube list for MONTHS - it has had such stiff competition, but I'm still not bored with it. On that strength, it finally breaks through.

Warmer weather is here. I hope to enjoy life soon.


MARCH 2015

1. "Habits (Chainsmokers Remix)", by Tove Lo 1, 1, 3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Xv0cNcsoY
2. "The Motherload", by Mastadon -, 2, 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz56aruweJY
3. "Afraid", by The Neighbourhood 4, 3, 4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFDGg6q_4g8
4. "Midnight", by Coldplay -, 4, 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQeMxWjpr-Y
5. "Top Notch", by Manchester Orchestra 2, 1, 8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nswP4ydGYzo


MARCH 2014

1. "Choke", by Alice in Chains 1, 1, 4
2. "Running Backwards", by Geoff Tate's Queensryche 2, 2, 3
3. "Phantom Limb", by Alice in Chains 4, 3, 2
4. "Safe and Sound", by Capital Cities 5, 4, 3
5. "Cold", by Geoff Tate's Queensryche 3,1,5


MARCH 2005

1. "Cold", by Crossfade
2. "Vertigo", by U2
3. "Telepath", by The Church
4. "So Cold", by Breaking Benjamin
5. "Last One in the World", by Blondie




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