My Top 5 Songs

Contentment of November turns to complacency.  I am not motivated to do much except keep up with my class. I just can't adapt to middle age. I don't feel I'm in 'my place'. I had NEVER felt that way - never comfortable in my own skin. Frankly I am sick of 'hearing' myself as I type this shit for what now?  The last two years or so?  There is little point, it seems, to continue this way.  Hey, I am not ungrateful for what I have - running water, indoor plumbing, a roof over my head, knowing I (probably) won't get shot by a sniper like some poor person in Syria or something. Yes, I am fully aware of the torment a lot of people go through daily just to stay alive, let alone be happy. But it's hard to explain how overwhelming frustration and sadness are. Music.....Geoff Tate's Queensryche hits the top spot!  Pretty good album. The haters (and Tate has a lot on youtube!) can hate - its a great song, it really is. I think the guitar solo was done

Late again.  November is a weird month for me for various reasons too boring to state. I love it, though.  It is the advent of the holiday seasons.  If I'm in school (which is most of my life, it seems), I can see the light at the end of the semester tunnel. Things are going so well that I can't help but think of ways to sabotage everything.  No, really, I think of cutting myself off from some friends.  Abruptly quitting my job.  I mean, ANYTHING, even suicide, anything that will hurt someone and make them feel bad.  A part of me would enjoy that, even though the 'whole' of me would not. Weird, I know.  It's like I can't just enjoy being....happy.  Content.  Comfortable in a success that I have created for myself. I need despair, conflict, sadnesss....This is just honesty here. I realize this problem.  I do not know why I HAVE this problem, though, nor how to let it go. I have a suspicion, though.  One reason my mind works this way is that I were to '

This month's is very late. Next week it will have to be updated again. Two new entries, from bands I had previously never heard of, and will probably not hear from again!  In any case, the new entries are great, uplifting, dare i say 'joyous' rock songs. Radiana is holding on to a very respectable showing. I think it was #1 for just a week, but let's face it - ANY artist covets a showing in my Top 5.  FACT! "Aunt Betty" is one of those songs with a very heavy rhythm and perhaps vocals I find poignant that just dominate. An example of that might be Stone Temple Pilots' "Trippin' on a Hole in a Paper Heart", which was on the charts for EIGHT months. I love that chorus "I am I am I am myself - I'm not dead but I'm not for sale....". I am numb again, lately - some place between happiness in life but teetering on depression. Same old same old, but I guess I'll take this rather than the byproducts of actually being dep

It was a fun summer. Half way through, I got into a new apartment. I like the new pad very much. I rode my bike a lot, doing hills, too, and I lost a few pounds. I have more energy, and can do some hills with such ease now. All in all, a happy time for Mr. Poopy Head (me).  The school semester started. I am optimistic since this class should pose little difficulty. I am still so alone, though. I guess this is what I'm comfortable being - alone, so that is why I shy away from knowing someone, or more than one, a little better. I don't like personal get-togethers, I guess because I think I will bore someone, or have nothing to say. It's all anxiety. Football season has started!  Autumn approacheth!  Me happy on different levels, with little to complain about except for lack of affection, either friendship-wise, or of a more personal nature. Oh well..... Not much of a change with the Top 5.  I have a TON of current songs saved to a playlist, but can't get around

The summer cometh to a close.  It was, well, interesting. I hope to break away for a week in September for vacation. It turns out I have a part in an independent movie (nothing groundbreaking - a 10-minute film) that will require travel a few hours away.  So it's not a 'true' vacation, but still, I will rent a car for the week and I'm guessing will be able to see places in the evening, if/when shooting is done for the day. Things are going OK upstairs in my head. I feel good - I am being very proactive in advancing my guitar skills. The thing is continuing for MONTHS AND MONTHS to really get some impressive aptitude - impressive for MY standards!  I will never be great at guitar.  But I want to create songs, SAY something in them, and write and play music some people will love. Chocolate + peanut butter is just the most evil concoction - can anyone eat ONE Reese's Peanut Butter cup? They are amazingly delicious! That is all.... Music....I am really digging &

This month's post is VERY late.  I had to move more suddenly than I anticipated.  The predictable lack of inaccessibility to the internet took hold, and a couple of weeks slipped by, and there you have it - a late Top 5 installment for my hordes of hungry readers... ... Haha!  What readers!?! Well, summer rolls on. I am enjoying it, but always, as usual, sad about...something, whatever it may be. First things first:  the reason I moved.  On a Sunday night in late June, I heard strange noises in my ceiling. In most areas of the previous apartment, the ceiling was a 'drop' ceiling, built of suspended tiles. I heard something weird in the bathroom - and there I saw a ceiling tile partially removed from the framing. I pushed it back up, then heard a small squealing.  "It's a dog outside", I tried to convince myself. So these unusual sounds continued, and I followed them to a nearby area, where another tile was not fully closed (this was/is an old apartme

*SiGH*  Ups and downs, as usual. I could be doing pretty well for about a week, then everything - my optimism, self-confidence, and general outlook on life, come crashing down into a negative posture. If there are new things to try, there's hope. It's like buying time. If I didn't have this false hope, I would fall into depression like in years past.  I don't care. Who reads this stupid blog? I fucking hate my dumb life. JUNE 2013 1. "Diamonds", by Rihanna 1, 1,4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWA2pjMjpBs 2. "Can't Get Better Than This", by Parachute Youth 2, 2, 5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHC302BjEhY 3. "Bride of Infinity", by Blondie 3, 3, 3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIIf-Qo8XJo 4. "Glass Mountain", by Radiana -,4,1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SL4gIiuCB-A 5. "Live to Rise", by Soundgarden 5, 5, 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3ZNtOcY_1A JUNE 2012 1. "The Sound of Winter"

Late entry this month... There's not much to say. I got a B in my graduate class. It's a minor miracle. His grading curve was so lenient, though - it HAS to be, since that professor was ridiculously bad at teaching. There is no way I can go back to that for how many more years. I don't particularly like that school - its so crowded and noisy. And this lousy teacher? I'd have to take him at least two more times! No thanks.... I am in the process of exploring/applying to an alternative.  I will be certain in a few days as to whether I will enroll at a different school. My goal is to lose 15 pounds by Sept. 1.  My weight fluctuates (like everyone's, at different points of the day), so for my starting weight I'll just put an even 200lb.  I know very well that to be successful, I will have to really up my physical activity.  I will have to improve my eating habits, but they aren't totally bad to begin with, and I don't see a need to give up certain plea

Well, 2013 bumps along.  If I were a reader of my blog, I probably would have stopped following a long time ago. It's the same old thing with me - chronic lonliness, sadness....I just don't understand the world. Often I'm not good with people.  I've developed anxiety - not to a crippling degree, but where I have to THINK about anything I say, hoping to not regret what I say, or to sound stupid. All in all, things are going well, though. This semester is almost done, and I thought I was doomed for a C or D, but I think an A is still possible (I'll take a B and be happy). I miss guitar. I was really into it for a few months, having decided I will (finally) make it a priority and whatnot.  It just never became a daily thing. Since the new year, I may have played it once or twice. I still haven't given up the dream of becoming a good guitarist, in a band that does song I've written, that kicks ass but is still an intelligent band. OK, on to over-analyzing

Very, very late this month.  I just got tied up with this graduate class I'm taking that is driving me nuts. 3/4 of the way through, and I am so confused. I am not a person that blames everyone else for my problems...but really, this teacher is so bad. THAT is the problem. I am consumed each week trying to get homework done, but I'm clueless as how to even start it!  So it's not like I can see the instructor at his office - what would I ask? I'm just so lost and figuring everything out on my own time - that's like doubling the time in class. *SIGH* But I perservere. In a week or two, I will do April's Top 5, and make some comments on my stupid life and my lovely songs.  Here is this month's very late Top 5: MARCH 2013 1.  "Underground", by Jane's Addiction 3, 1, 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VALinUhZkKQ 2.  Sleeping Giant", by Blondie 2, 2, 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdhCUzFQ4Hs 3. "Diamonds", by Rihanna

I love the winter.  I can't stand people that complain about it, though.  There are people out there collecting garbage, working in construction, putting out fires....all in the elements, be it cats and dogs or raining frogs. Yet people on the bus going to their cushy office job complain how cold it is.  Um, moron, try layers, a hat, and a nice toasty pair of long underwear and you'll see how easy it is....people are just lazy and stupid and whiny. I guess I'm whining now (ha!) but I'm just sick of 'soft' people who can't take care of themselves. Everything is difficult, the government is there to give you stuff, wah wah wah....here's a tissue. Surprisingly, my self-loathing is substituted by a sense of misanthropy that I admit I enjoy.  If I can only get over THAT, and not be so judgmental and more forgiving, I think I will have reached some level of enlightenment where I can be happier and more focused. But until then, put down your effing cell

A new year. A new start. A fresh attitude. Over the years, I've realized that it wasn't just me - a lot of people take that "clean slate - start anew" strategy.  I always thought I was the only one that had to "start over", as if everything up to then was a total failure. Well, here we go - a new year. Can I keep up the resolutions  - to distance myself from negativity? to get in great shape and feel good? to finally be able to play guitar better? Speaking of which - although I don't put as much time into it as I should, I am getting better at guitar. I hope to finally excel at it this year. And, in just days - graduate school starts.  Yikes. Say goodbye to a good night's sleep for the next 3 years, I guess. My escape is, and always will be...music.  Read on, if you dare.... The very beautiful song by this band called Echo and Drake sits at the top. It's a strange thing when you love a song by a band that you know nothing about.  These